Holy shit high school should teach you how to be concise.
Girls love beyonce. Drake.
“I need some one to leave out the front door with”
I remember for the longest time I was convinced acting a certain way would attract girls. Cause you know, people got their “types” that they are attracted to, usually. So if I changed how I acted to fit that mold, I’d be more appealing, no?
Haha this is one of those embarrassing things I don’t admit cause when I look back, it sounds so silly. But I think writing it down let’s me think more clearly. I was always a sucker for cheesy shit like “be yourself” but when it came down to it, I believed in everything but. It’s probably a self esteem thing; you know, it’s very likely. Haha let’s be real, it’s almost 100%. I’m not sure why either. It’s a human thing. And I hear myself and I sound so dumb cause it’s so easy to tell some one else to be confident or whatever. It was easy for cause I believed it. Whenever a friend would ever mention anything that had do with self esteem I would instantly try and make them feel more confident anyway possible.
But then I feel like I myself have a huge issue with myself. I didnt even really realize until high school junior year. I don’t know if it was a specific event that made me feel this way but it is what it is. And now I look back and think of all the opportunities I missed out on because I felt like my image would get in the way. I think I would have done things differently. One thing that comes to mind is asb. I was so determined on being “lazy” and not doing things that I knew would be good for new. Thank goodness I was surrounded by good people like Kevin and I got up and actually did it.
My self esteem probably had a lot to do with my issues with my intimidation with girls. The women of my family are both pretty strong and intimidating prior with alpha personalities. And growing up I never had much luck with females so I guess I never developed “game”.
And all these things added up to me keeping to myself. It wasn’t as evident in high school cause I had reasons to keep to myself. I couldn’t stay out late to often,I couldn’t really get around without a car, and I wasn’t rolling in dough. I had found my passions. And that was enough for me.
Now in college though, I see my own shortcomings more often. It’s a lot of things. And for the most part I’m ok with who I am, but I also want to be better. I think that’s fair. I want to be confident. Yeah it’s good to be happy with who I am and how I look, but I also know I could look and feel better about myself. So I been working on that. It builds on itself. If I work to feel better about myself I’ll do things that make me feel better about myself etc. That’s the goal at least.
Alll this stems from realizing I can’t not be myself. Even if I try really hard to front and be some one else,I can’t. It’s too hard. Real me always come out. It’s a weird phenomenon. Idk if anyone has this problem, but damn am I too real? Despite not being secure about myself, all I am is myself. Maybe my conscience won’t let me act. Which is good I guess, since people can know to expect the same Kevin every time. Lol. Might not be great all the time though.
On the real, and I’ve mentioned this to friends of mine, recently I’ve felt really lonely. It’s weird because even when I’m with friends I still feel like there’s a void yearning to be filled with companionship. Don’t get me wrong, I love the time I get to spend with friends, but at the same time, those moments are when I’m most conscious of the times when I’m by myself and the times I let my mind wander. During those times, I think about things that could fill that void, and nothing I’ve come up with has worked. There’s only one thing left to test, and it’s the thing that I’m most scared of. I don’t know if I’m ready or even capable yet, but it’s what prompted me to reflect on my life and my perception of me.
You’ll have to forgive me for spelling errors since this was written on my phone with auto correct. Thank goodness for proofreading. Also because of this being a self reflection of great length, forgive me for the constant use of “me”and “l”. I am all to aware of how annoying it is. This isn’t a cry for attention or pity, believe me, I’m a big boy. But im trying to grow a be a big man. And I’m comfortable enough to identify my own shortcomings and try and face them. I like to write about it and see it, so I can give it thought and come back to it to remind myself. I used to have motivational post its in my room at home to remind myself, and this is an extension of that.
In the end, I think I just want to feel a certain way, like all people do. For me, I want to feel wanted and loved. I want to feel like I matter to someone. I want to feel truly confident with who I am, and to get over my own demons and fears.
Maybe some of you can identify with what I’m going through; hopefully this is something that helps. I know I could use something like this, cause all the tumblr memes on my feed don’t mean anything to me.
This will be an ongoing process I may or may not document. But remember, be you. Cause that’s you. And you are a good person.
My thoughts go out to those in Boston. Once again, a national tragedy has shown the worst and best aspects of humanity. It’s tough to see and hear about the events but heartwarming to hear about the reaction. My heart goes out to Mr. Bryant, a role model for aspiring people everywhere. It’s tough to see some one as dedicated as Kobe be cut short so close to the goal. It’s still possible though.
I want to thank you for reading.
its the people that bring you soup when you’re sick.
i didnt go to class one day, the one day the teacher says we have a test. i have a test in 9hours :/
im thinking of transferring. i feel like its the right thing for me.
i hope you all had a good weekend, and have a good week.